Keeping myself busy

Back to Ipoh around one week, feeling of being a loser is on and on. Never off even for a second. Try keeping myself busy but self-pity attacking me again. There is no one to blame but myself, for letting myself being a loser.

How do I express this in words?

Really sick of this. I just want to runaway and hibernate in my own cocoon. Plan to KL for New Year's countdown. Yeah, I am still planning for a tight schedule. Try to work on it. Just want to escape for a while and New Year's countdown is the best excuse.

Called my brother and told him my planning, however he is too busy with his two girlfriends. Even so, he is still boring. I guess it is time to find another new girlfriend? Add in to his collections. I make fun of him.

He always claims himself to be a player. He is and he is playing quite well for this level. Love is just a game. Play it. I am on your side, bro!

Tonight is another sleepless night. Tomorrow is another day.

Good night, A La Mode.

Tiger Show

Off to Thailand for this semester break holidays. My sis and I went to Tiger Show. At first, we are full of curiosity and excited about it. But, after the show, we felt really bad.

Heard some uncle said that, "It is not entertaining enough."

Some said that, "They are born to do this kind of act."

They performed oral sex and different type of sex act. A guy even used his dick to play drum and keyboard. I still remember clearly his expression when every time his dick hits on the drum, he holds back his pain, but he force himself to put on a smile. Those audience laughs at his silly act. Funny? I do not think so.

Here come the girls stripped off, as expected. But they pulled something out from their pussy. It is some kind of prop. One of the prop is firework. It burns a little of her skin, area around her pussy when she is performing.

Excuse me, Uncle! This is not entertaining enough?

I understand there is a price to pay for this job. No matter what reasons they are there to perform, somehow this reflects the ugly side of human beings. There is a demand, and that is why they are exists. Nobody is born to do this kind of act.

They have sinned? We sinned along.

Already Gone

I have had a little, minor fight with a friend of mine a few months ago.

Recently she text me and apologize for that and ask if I am still angry about it. What do you expect me to reply? You want me to give you some Sunday's school answers and repent myself too?

Actually, I try to play it cool. Leave this "little, minor fight" thing behind and moved on. If, only if, we bump to each other, just smile and say "Hi". You know, we are not secondary school students anymore. We are adults. It has nothing to do with angry or not. It has nothing to do with those forgive and forget or stuff like that. And honestly, you do not have to apologize because what is the use?

Leave the past behind. But it do not mean I forget what had happen. The truth is we cannot be as close as before because our friendship had a defect. I can delete you from my friends' lists as I do not have a room for a fragile friendship, anymore. Let's just be a "Hi and Bye" friends. Everything old can be renew? Think again.

Am I being merciless? Selfish? Revengeful? You name it. People that know me well should understand I define black and white clearly. Black is black, and white is white. There is no grey state.

Now, you try to make things okay as before. Frankly, it's too late. I'm already gone.

There is no rewind. Life is not a tape.

I have officially deleted you several months ago before your text reminds me.

Adieu, stranger!

Insomnia

3.05am.

Gosh, what am I doing in this early hour? Spent three hours rolling on bed, feeling tired but can't get to sleep. Close my eyes but my mind is spinning around and keep thinking and thinking. This has lasted for a few days and gives me hell.

Reality is cruelty. Sleeping is a good choice to pull you out from the reality. But now I don't even have a chance to escape from it and have a good dream.

Just feeling tired.

Tired with the people around me.

Tired with the surroundings.

Tired of putting a mask on.

Tired of drama.

Tired of uncertainty.

Tired of being a loser.

Tired of everything.

Tired of being tired.

I'm fine. It's fine. I can deal with this. But can i have a good rest and regain my strength first before i deal with all on the lists?

Chow Gong, where are you? Can we havea game of chess, please?

23rd

Turning a year older, is another state of reminder, reminds me that I no longer a little girl. No more fooling around, no more wasting time and no more taking things for granted.

I feel lost, undecided and insecure of how my future holds. This year I have these strong feeling of growing up to be an adult. I do learned great lessons this year.

I had loss trust but I gained sober.

I had loss confidence but I rebuild it.

I had loss respect but I found my dignity.

I had loss direction but I moved on.

I had loss a best friend but I own memories.

My birthday wishes for this year?

I wish I enjoy what 23rd years old age has to offer now. Be strong and daring to persuade a life that I always wanted instead of hiding behind my fears and wonder the rest of my life whether I could have done something or not. No more second doubt about myself.

As the saying goes, “Time and tide wait for no man.”

Happy 23rd Birthday to me.

For a better Chrys. Cheers!

Awaiting transition phase

End of the year is around the corner, December is on its way, where it is time for gatherings, celebrations and parties.

I have had a few gatherings with my best friends and old friends in Ipoh before December is approaching. Spending some time of catching-up on how they are doing. It seems like everyone is doing great. Some graduated and found a good job, some get married, and me? Yeah, still with the same standard answer for almost 17 years, studying.

It feels like everybody enter a new phase of life and I am still on the same spot, not moving forward or backward. Only time that flies silently. Feeling depressed again. Does not know when I started to hate December. December is the month of self-pity and low self-esteem take control over me. It is torturing.

Everybody is changing. But I remain to be the same. It upsets me that there is nothing new in me. Feeling left out. Still like a child in the same circles of people, same environment. Trying to reach out but still trapped in rural area and among cheap people.

I can't wait to graduate soon. Then I can choose a city I prefer to live in, go through a life that I want, and bury this nightmare.

Waiting for an escalator to lift me up to a new phase of life.

Promises

Promises mean nothing for nowadays people.

"Promises are made to be broken."

This is the philosophy being applied by nowadays society.

For me, once the promises are made, I'll try my best to never break it. You know, once you made a promise, someone is expecting you to fulfill it. At least i did expecting that.

Am i being too naive? I guess I am. Sorry, I almost forgot to apply the philosophy i have mention just now.

I have this bunch of coursemates that applied the same philosophy too. So, every planning trips or events with them will end up with nothing. Thank God I able to realize this earliar, so i am expecting nothing on them. Our graduation's trip to Sabah just a lovely faraway dream. As expected, anyway.

A promise is a promise.

It is made to be fulfilled, not to be broken.

Chan Fong

He is someone who has inspires my point of view, taught me what a real life is, a man that has gained my respect. He is Chan Fong, my favourite DJ of all times. For the past few years, without fail, I turned on the radio on every Friday night, at 11.01pm just to listen to his program.

I still remember one of the callers, called-in and told him how she had been hurt by her boyfriend. Guess what did he answered?

“Being hurt is a process of life, it prove that you are a living person. Learned a lesson from it and you will get stronger”

Gosh, for a student in a secondary school like me at that time, I do not understand much about these sentences.

But as time flies, I have grown up to hurt someone and being hurt in returns, I knew what he meant at that time. Each time my heart hurts, reminds me that I am a living person.

He left the radio station a few years ago, since then I seldom turn on the radio. I came across his website one day, and he is still working on with his broadcasting stuff. I am so excited about it.

Just want to share his website here, www.chanfong.com , click on it and maybe you will fall in love with his program like I do.

Money Oh Money!

"Money can make wonders."

How true is this statement? I hate to admit this, but this statement is so true.

Being brought up in a very traditional Hakka family, from young, I am asked to work hard so that I can do well in my studies. What is the purpose behind this effort to do well? Money again rears its ugly head. By doing well in his/her studies, a person stands a better chance of getting a better paying job. Better paying means more money. More money means more happiness, or so we mistakenly assume.

My parents have a high expectation of their child. They put their hope and dream in us. Indirectly, it becomes a burden that we cannot bear. They wish we can have a better living. Better living means more money again?

Take my brother for example. He started his own business and my parents think it is not good enough. They want a roaring success in a short period of time. I understand that not everyone is going to be a roaring success. Most will not be so. Failure has becomes a dirty word for my brother, a condition that is considered shameful. So, the poor trapped soul struggles on trying his best to prove himself. He tries so hard to make a good living and forget to live. He does not enjoy his life anymore.

This brings a big impact to me. I no longer dare to persuade my dream as my dream does not make much money.

Money oh money. It can buy almost anything so much so we may think it can even buy happiness. People will only look up to us only if we have money. We become obsessed and enslaved by it.

Money, you took control of our lives. Congratulations.

Where is the love?

I have never date anyone before. Do you believe it or not?

“Honesty is the best policy”

But no one believes in me when I tell them the truth. They doubted. They feel awkward. They look at me as I am an extinct dinosaur.

Excuse me, take a look at yourself first. Is there anything to proud of for having so many failed relationships?

“Love is not meant for a person like me”

I guess this statement is so true to describe me. Maybe I am expecting too much.

There were the times where I do envy those couple dating, and starts wondering when I can find mine too. This kind of thought only lasted for a few seconds because I know that is the appearance. What lies beyond that, only he and she know.

Everyone around me did not set-up a good example of relationship. They just show me the ugly side of it. It is too ugly till I told myself that I would never ever let myself to end up like that.

At the end of the day, I am still single.

Where is the love? Where is the pure chemistry that brought two people together to fall in love? Nowadays, failing in love seems to be initiates by curiosity, getting married seems like a tradition and divorce is the process.

My heart churned. I really do loss my faith in relationship.

But I do love flirting around. Just pure flirting, no strings attach. When comes to commitment, sorry, I guess I am not ready yet. Maybe, I am afraid of disappointments.

“Love is not a fairytales”

Yeah. I told myself so.

Nevertheless, who do not want a happily ever after?

I have a dream

I have a dream. A dream, I do not dare to share with other. A dream, I believe people think that I am not realistic. A dream, I keep to myself.

I accept everything that is planned for me. From primary school to University, I never have any direction. Even though, if I did, I never fight for it. Put it in a good way to describe me? “Embracing fate lar….”

I’ll be graduating soon. I guess I’ll find jobs in my related field, living a life soullessly and as time goes by, be regretting for not having the courage to persuade what I want.

I was thinking should I continue to embrace my fate? Just let the fate decides what the future holds for me?

I have read a good piece of encouragement before. It inspires me for some time, yeah…only for some time. Without determination, encouragement words remains to be encouragement words.

Clock is ticking. I should move on and starts thinking how to make my dream come true. Do not be regret for the things you have done, be regret for the things you did not do.

“Dream for the stars and you shall reach the moon.”

I’m heading to my moon. What about you?

Please, prove me wrong!

A good friend of mine sent me a SMS a few days ago. It sounds like this, “I have just done my final paper. I feel complicated. University’s life just ends like that.”

Somehow, the message frightened me. It feels so near although I still have half-a year to go before I graduate. Why it frightened me so much?

When I think back about my University’s life, actually there is no vivid memories spring to my mind. As the years rolled by, only feelings of resentment, disappointment, and complaints pops up. My memory is empty I should say. As I dig into my memory, nothing I will really miss.

I knew my University friends remains University friends. Out of University’s compound, they are familiar strangers that you will doubt whether you want to say “Hi” if you bump into them in future. I am not being negative. This is reality. Time will tell.

Deep inside, I wish someone will prove me wrong someday. Maybe I still have this beautiful, pure hopeful thought, hoping that reality is not that cruel.

Please, prove me wrong.

Making a fresh start

It’s been a while since I have had updated my blog. “Where got time-lah” has become my favourite catch-phrase. In everything that I do, I always start with curiosity, progress with passion and ends in numbing effect. I know that my attitude needs correcting. So, let it begins with my very own blog. I am making a fresh start.

Till then, hear from you soon, Chrys.

Dear W,

Have you ever heard; in every person’s life, each and every one of us is destined to meet 10,000 fated people? And you and I are destined to be good friends.

You know what?I am so proud to have u as my friend. I am so grateful that I met you in UniMAP. The only thing I will miss when we graduate soon, it’s not Wang Ulu hostel’s bed, not the sound of the busses that always wakes me up around 7am, and definitely not Kuala Perlis’s seafood. I will only miss you.

Miss your silly jokes; miss your primary school kids naughtiness’ attitudes, miss our time of lepaking at the food stalls while having classes, miss our time chatting over Skype for countless hours, miss our great time singing-K till you loss your voice, miss your mood swings sudden planning.

Since you broke up, we have a barrier. The barrier exists because of your new found love. As a friend, I do think I have the responsibility to give some advice, but I know you would not listen. So, all i can do is save my breath. I do care about our friendship, and I refrain from u because I don’t want to criticize on the girl you are in love with, at least not to you, face to face.

Yeah, you are that kind of person that put love in the first place. I guess she meant a lot to you till you loss all you’re logic thinking and rationality. I hope it’s really worth it.

People judge you. People criticize you. People give you titles. I try my best not be the same as this kind of people so I do not care about anything you are doing now. When people talking at the back of you and ask me about your new gossips, I would tell them, I don’t know and I don’t care. I would not stab you in your back, but hardly for your new found love, okay?

I wish you luck if she is the person you are looking for, genuinely from the bottom of my heart. Other than that, sorry, I can’t be supportive or faking myself in front of you.

Love,
C

Why does my heart...feel so bad?

There is no one to share what I was thinking now. I should say that I got plenty of friends here in UniMap but I choose to post a blog and share this to myself. I guess there is no one here is worthy for me to trade my genuine heart with.

As if I am crashing into a face-mask party, full of familiar faces, but somehow they are strangers to me. When they put on their masks, I can’t even recognize them. Even though our distance is very near to each others, but their hearts are too far to be reach. Somehow I am able to realize; they forgot to bring their hearts along. They loss their hearts, or have I loss mine?

Despite that, I am able to find a room in the house, where I took off the mask. Being alone in the room is not scary as I thought because; silence sometimes does speak the truth. Without hypocrites people to fill in the silence, I just feel relieved. Indescribable relieved.
Have you ever heard before that, being alone is the last things you would ever wish for on the earth? I believe rather that being reluctant to fit myself into this group of people, Dear God: I do wish I am all alone on this earth.

I called up to an old friend of mine, just for a few seconds, we both chuckles for our good old days little silly jokes. And I was stunned. How long I have not laugh sincerely from the bottom of my heart? I miss those good old days. I miss you guys, my old friends. I really do.

Hermit

I like to see the best in people around me, but somehow it’s disappointing. I’m not dramatic, okay? It’s just most of the people that I have met, take you for granted, stab you at the back and doing much more nasty things that you never ever could imagine. Imposing, I should say.

Refrain myself from this kind of people is the smartest choice, I thought, at least for now. Despite my best effort to being alone, I don’t have to entertain anyone or putting on a fake smile just trying to pleased others. Having numerous masks in me, I was thinking, for this few years, what kind of person I have become?

Acnenemy

Is there anything in this world u fear the most? Some might answer ghost. Maybe cockroaches? The only thing that I fear the most is acne. It’s been a while since it’s haunting me again. Its back. Back for good? Maybe…

Acne is just like cancer, it require a person to equip with unlimited courage to fight for it. It’s either you won or you lose. The only difference between cancer and acne is one cause dead and the other one cause a person to have low self-esteem.

I could not recall how many times I cry over the phone telling my brother how acne has drag my confidence down

I could not remember how many times I loss my temper to family and friends

We are humans. When we faced with our own limitations, we react with irritation, anger and resentment. We want things to work out on our way, and we become upset when it doesn’t happen.

But acne has shows me the different perspectives in my life and to observe in different angle.

I still remember how my mom trying her very best to gather ancient recipe to reduce acne and not to forget her dozen bowls of awful taste Chinese herb

My dad and brother, with their unlimited support in finance and words of encouragement

My two lovely sisters with their patience as I’m asking the same repeating questions everyday, for many times

Chrys: My acne getting better?
Sis: Yeah, it’s getting better... (Serious)
Chrys: U r lying!
Sis: It’s getting worse than ever (Mad)
Chrys: Really? (Sad)
Sis: $#%&*#$&

I’m a fighter and I’m going to overcome my acne without fears! The next time you see me around,I'll be looking great...Wish me Luck!

Chrys and The Great Wall

There is a wall in my heart...I’m not aware when the construction has started, but somehow when I realized its existence, it’s almost done.My heart is surrounded with Chrys: The Great Wall and don't know how to treat a person genuinely.

Does u still recall the last time your heart being touched? I do…It’s on my 21st Birthday when my best friend, Joelle brought over a birthday cake all the way to my house just to celebrate birthday with me. That time I does not know how to reacts, and I could not remember what is my expression. But one thing for true, my heart felt warm. As time go swiftly by, it really makes me reminisce our pure friendship.

Today, this kind of heart warming feelings back again. Thanks to a bunch of my friends in UniMAP for giving me one of the best day in my life<26.08.09>. I was surprised as present’s pops out from nowhere, just right on my bed. A lovely handmade flowers and my idol pillow case. It’s not my birthday, not any related special dates but somehow they do brighten my day.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. It's not what inside the present matters,it's you guys sincerity that capture my heart. Thanks for the presents and the most importantly,a genuine heart.

And Chrys: The Great Wall has been demolished...Who says The Great Wall never falls? But this time it falls to the power of friendship and not to the enemy.