Keeping myself busy

Back to Ipoh around one week, feeling of being a loser is on and on. Never off even for a second. Try keeping myself busy but self-pity attacking me again. There is no one to blame but myself, for letting myself being a loser.

How do I express this in words?

Really sick of this. I just want to runaway and hibernate in my own cocoon. Plan to KL for New Year's countdown. Yeah, I am still planning for a tight schedule. Try to work on it. Just want to escape for a while and New Year's countdown is the best excuse.

Called my brother and told him my planning, however he is too busy with his two girlfriends. Even so, he is still boring. I guess it is time to find another new girlfriend? Add in to his collections. I make fun of him.

He always claims himself to be a player. He is and he is playing quite well for this level. Love is just a game. Play it. I am on your side, bro!

Tonight is another sleepless night. Tomorrow is another day.

Good night, A La Mode.

Tiger Show

Off to Thailand for this semester break holidays. My sis and I went to Tiger Show. At first, we are full of curiosity and excited about it. But, after the show, we felt really bad.

Heard some uncle said that, "It is not entertaining enough."

Some said that, "They are born to do this kind of act."

They performed oral sex and different type of sex act. A guy even used his dick to play drum and keyboard. I still remember clearly his expression when every time his dick hits on the drum, he holds back his pain, but he force himself to put on a smile. Those audience laughs at his silly act. Funny? I do not think so.

Here come the girls stripped off, as expected. But they pulled something out from their pussy. It is some kind of prop. One of the prop is firework. It burns a little of her skin, area around her pussy when she is performing.

Excuse me, Uncle! This is not entertaining enough?

I understand there is a price to pay for this job. No matter what reasons they are there to perform, somehow this reflects the ugly side of human beings. There is a demand, and that is why they are exists. Nobody is born to do this kind of act.

They have sinned? We sinned along.

Already Gone

I have had a little, minor fight with a friend of mine a few months ago.

Recently she text me and apologize for that and ask if I am still angry about it. What do you expect me to reply? You want me to give you some Sunday's school answers and repent myself too?

Actually, I try to play it cool. Leave this "little, minor fight" thing behind and moved on. If, only if, we bump to each other, just smile and say "Hi". You know, we are not secondary school students anymore. We are adults. It has nothing to do with angry or not. It has nothing to do with those forgive and forget or stuff like that. And honestly, you do not have to apologize because what is the use?

Leave the past behind. But it do not mean I forget what had happen. The truth is we cannot be as close as before because our friendship had a defect. I can delete you from my friends' lists as I do not have a room for a fragile friendship, anymore. Let's just be a "Hi and Bye" friends. Everything old can be renew? Think again.

Am I being merciless? Selfish? Revengeful? You name it. People that know me well should understand I define black and white clearly. Black is black, and white is white. There is no grey state.

Now, you try to make things okay as before. Frankly, it's too late. I'm already gone.

There is no rewind. Life is not a tape.

I have officially deleted you several months ago before your text reminds me.

Adieu, stranger!

Insomnia

3.05am.

Gosh, what am I doing in this early hour? Spent three hours rolling on bed, feeling tired but can't get to sleep. Close my eyes but my mind is spinning around and keep thinking and thinking. This has lasted for a few days and gives me hell.

Reality is cruelty. Sleeping is a good choice to pull you out from the reality. But now I don't even have a chance to escape from it and have a good dream.

Just feeling tired.

Tired with the people around me.

Tired with the surroundings.

Tired of putting a mask on.

Tired of drama.

Tired of uncertainty.

Tired of being a loser.

Tired of everything.

Tired of being tired.

I'm fine. It's fine. I can deal with this. But can i have a good rest and regain my strength first before i deal with all on the lists?

Chow Gong, where are you? Can we havea game of chess, please?

23rd

Turning a year older, is another state of reminder, reminds me that I no longer a little girl. No more fooling around, no more wasting time and no more taking things for granted.

I feel lost, undecided and insecure of how my future holds. This year I have these strong feeling of growing up to be an adult. I do learned great lessons this year.

I had loss trust but I gained sober.

I had loss confidence but I rebuild it.

I had loss respect but I found my dignity.

I had loss direction but I moved on.

I had loss a best friend but I own memories.

My birthday wishes for this year?

I wish I enjoy what 23rd years old age has to offer now. Be strong and daring to persuade a life that I always wanted instead of hiding behind my fears and wonder the rest of my life whether I could have done something or not. No more second doubt about myself.

As the saying goes, “Time and tide wait for no man.”

Happy 23rd Birthday to me.

For a better Chrys. Cheers!